To My Mother

This is a letter addressed both directly and indirectly to my mother. I highly doubt she will ever see it, but I need to get it written before I totally forget to. If this happens to apply to your relationship with your mother or mother figure, feel free to share it with her. 

I feel the need to start this by saying that this letter is going to be a bit accusatory. Up until now, I have been harboring some emotional spite toward you for things you have done to irritate and annoy me. It's been going on for some time now, but I have yet to find the best way to communicate this to you verbally. In addition, know that a lot of what I say is coming from a place of spite and annoyance toward you that may or may not be totally palatable or pleasant for you to hear. Again, up until now, I have been holding my tongue to keep our family life pleasantly stale and cushion-like, almost like a box of packing peanuts. Please allow me the indulgence of every piece of language I desire to use. It will be hard for me to hold back from saying certain things toward you, and I want you to understand that the things I say are authentic to how I think after we've spent time together. 

With all of that in mind, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, what happened in your life that has influenced such a twisted soul like yours?

The first offense I have against you -and probably the most broad and the most aggravating- is your hypocrisy. Given your age, I know you grew up in a time where being open-minded and being tolerant of people and how they are was prized among your peers. Yet, for some reason, something between now and then seems to have turned you into a calloused, closed-minded person. On top of that, it seems you still claim to be tolerant and accepting of other people. Sure, you show that when you are in a more public setting, like a party or church or whatever, but I can't help but hear you ramble on about how you don't like a certain person, or don't think a certain social aspect is not appropriate for society, or that you think a certain law or set of laws is somehow the worst thing imaginable. What truly makes me laugh is that when I ask you what should be done, you often tell me that "people should be allowed to live how they want" and "people should be able to live a life that pursues their happiness without everyone getting in their way." Do you see your own hypocrisy? Honestly? I don't think you do, but I won't bother to bring it up because of the second offense I have against you. 

The second one follows the first, usually when we don't see eye-to-eye on something. The conversation can be simple and sweet or complicated and sour. The offense usually comes when you think you have me figured out. After all, you cared for me, right? So of course you know what I meant. Of course you understand what I am saying when I share something. But you don't. I have grown into an individual that you will not understand unless you are willing to set aside your assumptions of me. I feel you honestly assume that you know what I meant and take that as what I meant, when in fact I meant something else. I don't feel understood and listened to when you do this, and it infuriates me. I do my best to understand where you are coming from, and I do my best to be open to what you are saying. Yet when I wish you would return the understanding, you don't. I feel like you just assume you know what I am saying or implying without asking or flinching. You seem to go on about how I see things or -my personal "favorite" ramble- how people my age see things. But that's not what I said. That's not what I think. That's not how I see the world. So, maybe instead of just thinking you know how I feel or how I think, maybe you can ask and have a genuine conversation with me about it without adding your own filter on it. Really sit down and get to understand the person I have become outside of your influence. 

The third and final offense I have combines the first two into a hybrid that is so annoying to my mind. If I thought your hypocrisy and your assumptions were annoying, the combination of the two is an abomination. For your claims of your tolerance and your understanding, you seem to assume that you know everything. That you understand everything because you have lived long enough to know what is going on. Well, guess what? You. Know. Jack. Shit. I feel you don't seem to comprehend that your understanding of the world is not as solid as it was when you were my age. Sure, a lot of the Golden Rule-level lessons you have taught me still stand as a very great guide to my own compass of personal being. But some of the other things you say, do, and think might be obsolete and no longer run with what society and the current generations want or need as a whole. I feel you say things or discuss things with your friends and family that -in my eyes- sounds like what your parents were complaining about when you were my age. I bet it was annoying to hear your family complain about something that you considered to be close-minded or intolerant. How does it feel to be where your parents once were? How does it feel to think you have an answer, only to see me roll my eyes and note your intolerance and close-mindedness? How does it feel to complain to your family and friends that "society is going downhill" while you see someone my age doing something that you don't like, or behaving in a different way than you did? I can probably guess that it is rather disheartening, or perhaps annoying in a way, but I don't know. I'm not you. I don't know how you feel about it, and I wish to understand. 

Now that I got all of this out of my head, I have come to a decision: I'm going to do my best to be understanding, but don't expect me to want to talk to you about certain things anymore. I do my best to give you grace and forgiveness. I know things are changing, and you probably don't like it. You might think it is the worst path for society and that you will watch the world burst into flame and completely disappears. Kind of apocalyptic, in a way. At the same time, I wish you could see that it is not as bad as it looks. We as a generation are doing our best to show each other love, understanding, grace, and justice in our day-to-day lives. We are doing our best to allow people to live their lives while also providing a way to catch them when misfortune comes or punish them when it is appropriate. Sure, we may not have all the answers, and we will make mistakes, but please understand that we have learned from you and we are improving on your actions, both the good and the bad. We are trying to correct the mistakes you made while extending the awesomeness of the accomplishments you achieved. But you cannot expect us to keep the status quo that you have created. In the end, we need to forge our own path with the lessons you have taught us as well as the experiences we have had. 

As it is in general, so it is with the specific. I appreciate the lessons you have taught me, both formally and informally. They have taught me who I want to be, what I want to do, and how I want to live. Do I expect you to completely understand and accept it? No. But I do expect that you will tolerate them as I continue to learn and experience this gift of life you have helped me through. I find it funny that you were so willing to help me grow when I was little and learning the basics, or you were willing to throw me into the fire without any warning to experience something without your hand-holding. Now that you are not the only major influence in my life, you seem to have stalled or gone cold in your understanding and patience. I feel you are not willing to listen, or to ask questions before assuming what I meant. I feel you are only allowing what you think is right to be right instead of opening your mind or seeing the other side of the proverbial coin. 

I am doing my best to understand and learn from you still. I am doing my best to interact with you in a way that I think is appropriate. Can I have a bit of your open-mindedness and understanding in return? I would be more than happy to explain how I feel, or what I think. I just ask that you don't assume that you know what is going on with me, or that you know what's best. In all honesty, none of us probably know what is the best for us as a society and as an individual. You have done your best to understand and apply what you think is best. Now I must learn to do that to the life I have lived, am living, and will live.

Thank you for what you have done and what you haven't; for what you have said and what you haven't said; for what you have taught me and what you have left me to learn myself.