Ani Was Writing

  This is the safest place I know. I see how lush this looked compared to the plant infestation I crawled out of. I wobble through the gate into the arms of strangers. I feel them drag me in and toss me onto a bed. I dream of foods and drinks I haven't had in decades.   I would have stayed asleep if it hadn't been for the snarls and howls I heard. I jolt out of bed in my small room and thank the gods that abandoned us for the solid oak walls. The door rattles slightly as I hear the strides of whatever creature is on the ground underneath me. I hear water sloshing beneath me. The sound of water usually delights me; I haven't heard the rush of water in a civilized area in years. But the snarl of animals in the water lessens my usual response. I notice there is a trapdoor on the floor and open it. There is a pool of water leading into a larger area below. Is this some kind of sewer system? I haven't seen one before; only grandpa would mention it after stepping in dad's...

  The tiredness is setting in. Even as I play catch-up with my journal, I feel myself slowly falling forward. Amethyst nudges me awake and sits down to play some games just as my head hits the desk.    "Hey, go get some sleep. You've got a busy day planned for tomorrow." Amethyst sighs.    "But... my blog..." I groan.    "The sleep is more important than the blog."   She is right. I am so tired that I need a break.  ~   Long story short, this is a break week for me. I still wanted to write a little something though before I went to bed. If you see me around, know that I am tired but probably can't fall asleep. Cursed brain, sometimes, I swear. I will not be tweeting/sharing this post out. You'll probably see it if you keep up with my stuff.    I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and work week. I'll see you again on Saturday the 24th for something a bit more fun.  Elyon's Love and Strength,  Animus

   Podcast: New Mindset, Who Dis? Episode 272     On the day of writing this (7 April), I had a lot of podcasts to catch up with. I had equally been lost in a small mental breakdown that left me feeling anti-social and wanting to be introspective. I happened to listen to this episode as I finished up my morning work. The question has been stuck in my mind since: "What am I willing to suffer for?"   After a long thought about it, I have come up with two things I will suffer for. One is the desire to be heard. The other is the desire to have a positive influence on the world. I am willing to suffer for those two outcomes. I should clarify that when I say "suffer," I mean to struggle and push myself. I try my best not to "suffer" as in "pain and misery." I've learned a lesson with that in my past. I want to be heard and I am willing to suffer for that. I want to have a positive influence in the world and I am willing to suffer for that. 

    This is a journal entry from Friday, 2 April 2021.    It is the same image I see every Good Friday. As the testimony of Jesus' death is read, the altar pours out blood and the cackling of a dark presence resounds through the church.    But this time, something is different. The sacrifice on the altar isn't a lamb or goat; it's me. Or, at least, a form of me. She is in the fetal position. I can hear her mutter "Animus, Animus, lema sabachthani?" over and over. I know those words: Animus, Animus, why have you forsaken me.    "But I haven't forsaken you." I respond from my seat.   The voice stops. Even from the distance, I can see this form of me open her eyes to reveal a dark mist. "Three years. You have forsaken me at the fire pit. I have only sorrow and spite in my being."    I wade through the blood and approach the altar. The sacrifice is indeed the one I burned at the fire pit in 2018. Her clothes are ashen, her hair unevenly...