Ani Was Writing

  This is the safest place I know. I see how lush this looked compared to the plant infestation I crawled out of. I wobble through the gate into the arms of strangers. I feel them drag me in and toss me onto a bed. I dream of foods and drinks I haven't had in decades.   I would have stayed asleep if it hadn't been for the snarls and howls I heard. I jolt out of bed in my small room and thank the gods that abandoned us for the solid oak walls. The door rattles slightly as I hear the strides of whatever creature is on the ground underneath me. I hear water sloshing beneath me. The sound of water usually delights me; I haven't heard the rush of water in a civilized area in years. But the snarl of animals in the water lessens my usual response. I notice there is a trapdoor on the floor and open it. There is a pool of water leading into a larger area below. Is this some kind of sewer system? I haven't seen one before; only grandpa would mention it after stepping in dad's...

  The tiredness is setting in. Even as I play catch-up with my journal, I feel myself slowly falling forward. Amethyst nudges me awake and sits down to play some games just as my head hits the desk.    "Hey, go get some sleep. You've got a busy day planned for tomorrow." Amethyst sighs.    "But... my blog..." I groan.    "The sleep is more important than the blog."   She is right. I am so tired that I need a break.  ~   Long story short, this is a break week for me. I still wanted to write a little something though before I went to bed. If you see me around, know that I am tired but probably can't fall asleep. Cursed brain, sometimes, I swear. I will not be tweeting/sharing this post out. You'll probably see it if you keep up with my stuff.    I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and work week. I'll see you again on Saturday the 24th for something a bit more fun.  Elyon's Love and Strength,  Animus

   Podcast: New Mindset, Who Dis? Episode 272     On the day of writing this (7 April), I had a lot of podcasts to catch up with. I had equally been lost in a small mental breakdown that left me feeling anti-social and wanting to be introspective. I happened to listen to this episode as I finished up my morning work. The question has been stuck in my mind since: "What am I willing to suffer for?"   After a long thought about it, I have come up with two things I will suffer for. One is the desire to be heard. The other is the desire to have a positive influence on the world. I am willing to suffer for those two outcomes. I should clarify that when I say "suffer," I mean to struggle and push myself. I try my best not to "suffer" as in "pain and misery." I've learned a lesson with that in my past. I want to be heard and I am willing to suffer for that. I want to have a positive influence in the world and I am willing to suffer for that. 

    This is a journal entry from Friday, 2 April 2021.    It is the same image I see every Good Friday. As the testimony of Jesus' death is read, the altar pours out blood and the cackling of a dark presence resounds through the church.    But this time, something is different. The sacrifice on the altar isn't a lamb or goat; it's me. Or, at least, a form of me. She is in the fetal position. I can hear her mutter "Animus, Animus, lema sabachthani?" over and over. I know those words: Animus, Animus, why have you forsaken me.    "But I haven't forsaken you." I respond from my seat.   The voice stops. Even from the distance, I can see this form of me open her eyes to reveal a dark mist. "Three years. You have forsaken me at the fire pit. I have only sorrow and spite in my being."    I wade through the blood and approach the altar. The sacrifice is indeed the one I burned at the fire pit in 2018. Her clothes are ashen, her hair unevenly...

   "So, you are really going to start all of this again?" Ora asks as she stares at the whiteboard calendar above my bathroom sink. I replaced my mirror in there with that to give myself more reminders to get my stuff done. I busy myself with blog post writing to avoid more of her condescending attempts at a conversation. "You know, I hope it does work out for you." She notices I haven't really responded to her. "I mean, after all, I want to be able to be seen around an attractive woman, not-"   I duck my head as I feel the whoosh of a blade over my head. I look over to see a scythe pinning Ora to the nearby wall. I glance to my other side to see Amethyst with a scowl. "She is an attractive woman already. Her desire to change her body will enhance that and give her more internal and external strength." She retorts on my behalf. I can sense cold daggers hidden in her words.    Ora looks to Amethyst, then to me. "At least she is better tha...