The Inevitable
It's now February. The cold of the last storm disappeared on Thursday and left behind the tempting weather of a spring day. The park across the street is filled with children and adults enjoying this momentary warmth before the Polar Vortex greets us with more cold weather and chaos over the course of the next week. Instead of enjoying this pleasant day like the rest of my neighborhood, I am inside my home, in front of my computer. I sit in a position that I slowly realize is uncomfortable. I glance outside my little basement window and ponder what the last month of my life has been like.
January was a rather odd month for me. A lot of what I left behind in 2018 tried to stick with me. A lot of the same drama and problems tried to creep up and suction themselves to me again. My work and the news in general were (as usual) the biggest creepers. Working for a school bus company (in my opinion) usually means that a lot of the same messages get repeated year after year. Not that it is a bad thing for those who need it; it can actually be useful to those who are new or who need the repeated reminders. For someone like me, it is a lot of repetition that I wish the company could get rid of. And then there is the news. For the sake of avoiding the proverbial rabbit hole, I'll just say that a lot of the stuff that is "news" to people is not necessarily news to me. A lot of that could have easily been left behind in 2018 so there could be more balanced and accurate reporting during 2019. With all of the extra drama and problems creeping up, fate seemed to push me toward the inevitable.
What was the inevitable for me? First, it was realizing that the way I was raised was not the best way possible. I imagine that a lot of people were raised in a similar variant to me: parents were alright, but a lot of what they "taught" me to do wasn't what they were doing. They were not the best role models, and nothing says that more than what I was thinking about only a few hours before I sat to type this. From my bullet journal: "They have shown me a series of traits in their lives that I don't want to carry around anymore." It was like cleaning a mirror; only then could I see. Second, there is a piece of the inevitable which says that in the grand scheme of everything, I do not matter. I honestly don't. And I'm okay with that. I am okay with not mattering at all. Sure, I might do some things that will impact people in certain ways, and -hopefully- I will do something good for everyone while I am still alive. After I die, that's a different story. After I die, people might remember me for a little while, but after several millennia and eons of time, I won't matter. No one will remember me. Even now, as I am living, not everyone cares about me. In fact, I kind of prefer that in a way. To know that people don't care about me on a day-to-day level frees me from caring too much about what I say and do. It doesn't bother me that people don't care; in fact, I don't expect people to care anymore unless they have explicitly told me they care.
With those two pieces of the inevitable in tow, I hope to move forward in my life. I have the freedom to let go of myself when needed and work on what I feel needs to be worked on. I have the freedom to mess up and to be silly without people really caring about it. I have the freedom to enjoy my life without having to worry about what other people think about it. And that is enough for me. I can be fulfilled, share my success with those who helped, and enjoy what I have and what I work toward. That is a beautiful life to have.
January was a rather odd month for me. A lot of what I left behind in 2018 tried to stick with me. A lot of the same drama and problems tried to creep up and suction themselves to me again. My work and the news in general were (as usual) the biggest creepers. Working for a school bus company (in my opinion) usually means that a lot of the same messages get repeated year after year. Not that it is a bad thing for those who need it; it can actually be useful to those who are new or who need the repeated reminders. For someone like me, it is a lot of repetition that I wish the company could get rid of. And then there is the news. For the sake of avoiding the proverbial rabbit hole, I'll just say that a lot of the stuff that is "news" to people is not necessarily news to me. A lot of that could have easily been left behind in 2018 so there could be more balanced and accurate reporting during 2019. With all of the extra drama and problems creeping up, fate seemed to push me toward the inevitable.
What was the inevitable for me? First, it was realizing that the way I was raised was not the best way possible. I imagine that a lot of people were raised in a similar variant to me: parents were alright, but a lot of what they "taught" me to do wasn't what they were doing. They were not the best role models, and nothing says that more than what I was thinking about only a few hours before I sat to type this. From my bullet journal: "They have shown me a series of traits in their lives that I don't want to carry around anymore." It was like cleaning a mirror; only then could I see. Second, there is a piece of the inevitable which says that in the grand scheme of everything, I do not matter. I honestly don't. And I'm okay with that. I am okay with not mattering at all. Sure, I might do some things that will impact people in certain ways, and -hopefully- I will do something good for everyone while I am still alive. After I die, that's a different story. After I die, people might remember me for a little while, but after several millennia and eons of time, I won't matter. No one will remember me. Even now, as I am living, not everyone cares about me. In fact, I kind of prefer that in a way. To know that people don't care about me on a day-to-day level frees me from caring too much about what I say and do. It doesn't bother me that people don't care; in fact, I don't expect people to care anymore unless they have explicitly told me they care.
With those two pieces of the inevitable in tow, I hope to move forward in my life. I have the freedom to let go of myself when needed and work on what I feel needs to be worked on. I have the freedom to mess up and to be silly without people really caring about it. I have the freedom to enjoy my life without having to worry about what other people think about it. And that is enough for me. I can be fulfilled, share my success with those who helped, and enjoy what I have and what I work toward. That is a beautiful life to have.