Ani Was Writing

 I'm a little torn between two mindsets at the moment.     In one world, I'm sit down and bring myself to stream my writing, post on this blog, and just generally wear a mask that says "I like being online right now, and everything I feel is positive and happy."     In another world, I stop being online entirely. My accounts become husks, never posting again (or ever, in some cases).     In one world, I continue the things that usually keep me going: writing, reading, crochet, and the occasional video game or mobile game.      In another world, I stop doing all of it and become another face in a crowd with no creative spark in them.      In one world, I am social, both online and in my real life.      In another world, I retreat into isolation for a long time, like I did back in the day during spring.      Why am I feeling like I am between these two worlds? I am not entirely sure. A lot of it...

 I've been dealing my whole life.  Dealing with people, places, things, situations, experiences. Just everything.  But tonight was a type of deal that I wasn't expecting so late into my life.  Let me set the scene for ya.      My name is -and I swear on my mother's grave, it is my real name- Jester Lester. My family thought it would be funny to give the middle child a ridiculous name. So yeah, that's my name. I'm the middle child of five, coming from a long line of gamblers and manipulators of gamblers. All of my family works within the casino industry for the majority of their life, starting at a young age. If we weren't able to run a table or collect the cash and chips, we were helping fix the slots or making sure the old hag at the buffet had everything she needed to keep her there. My younger siblings just graduated -well, that's a horrible but funny way to word it- into working the slots and collecting the money. My older siblings help my parents ...