Torn

 I'm a little torn between two mindsets at the moment.

    In one world, I'm sit down and bring myself to stream my writing, post on this blog, and just generally wear a mask that says "I like being online right now, and everything I feel is positive and happy."

    In another world, I stop being online entirely. My accounts become husks, never posting again (or ever, in some cases).

    In one world, I continue the things that usually keep me going: writing, reading, crochet, and the occasional video game or mobile game. 

    In another world, I stop doing all of it and become another face in a crowd with no creative spark in them. 

    In one world, I am social, both online and in my real life. 

    In another world, I retreat into isolation for a long time, like I did back in the day during spring. 

    Why am I feeling like I am between these two worlds? I am not entirely sure. A lot of it feels like I'm about to break through into something new. A lot of it feels like a past mindset and memories clinging onto me, hoping that I just stay miserable and don't let go of them. But also a lot of it feels like I'm just going through a cycle. One that I've been through before. One that I don't remember breaking through before. 

    I hope I can break through it soon. 

    I don't know how long this will take. I'm hoping not too long. I will probably not be streaming or uploading anything until I break through. I may reach out for some encouragement and advice from my little atom of this online world, as nervous and anxious as I would be to do that. When I get back, I will backtrack as I usually do with these posts. And I will do my best to remember and work up the nerve to stream and chat with all y'all in a more personal way. 

    Until then, I'm walking away for a little bit. Not forever. But a little bit. 

    Hope to see you all on the other side of this. 

Animus Custodius