Biting the Bullet

 "Well, I bit the bullet. I left the Discords I was in for my tarot reading buddy. I am just so done with a lot of people who aren't friendly or friends of mine." 

 - Me, 14 June 2025, to a group chat of friends

~

  Being a moderator online is not an easy task. It is not a difficult one either. 

  The ease comes naturally. You simply watch over the community gathering in this space, making sure everyone is civil enough to each other and following the guidelines set by the person who created the community in the first place. 

  The difficulty comes when you and the person who created the community come to a place where you no longer are on the same page. Where something has set you on different paths and perspectives that can be difficult to compromise or agree to disagree on. 

  Over the last few months, I have had this happen. I will not get into details because that would be unfair to my tarot reading buddy, his community, and the wonderful energy he has cultivated to help others. To keep it short and sweet yet shallow, we had a disagreement on how to interact with those who come into his livestreaming spaces who aren't fully a part of the community. It wasn't an extreme disagreement, but I will admit that I got a little heated on my end of the conversation. This conversation caused us to split a little, and I was relieved of my moderating duties on his livestreaming spaces. I was (keyword there) a moderator for his Discord though, and he created a new one shortly after just for those that would become part of his moderation team. 

  I can understand his choice, as much as my reaction at the time said otherwise. I can understand wanting to make sure moderators in his spaces -especially an OG livestream community member and someone he visited personally last year- were on the same page as he was and relatively the same mindset. I can also understand that he might have forseen his moderator's burnout a mile away and decided to cut off what he could in any attempt to keep that moderator in good spirits. I can also see someone who wanted to make sure that their connections in their life were providing a positive influence, and the moderator in question may have been providing an influence that he thought was not positive. Needless to say, choices were made, and things shifted. 

  Leading up to yesterday, things shifted again. I found myself staring at two Discords were I felt useless. Useless and alone in a sea of people who I found were pretty different from what I was burning out as. It takes a lot of strength and brutal honesty to admit that I am the problem on this one. I was in a sea of people who I didn't necessarily agree on the energy with. Mind you, this comes at a time of year where people's energy fluctuates greatly, depending on the season. So to come to this conclusion to leave was inevitable in my head. 

  I was (and probably still am) burning out. Falling apart. And just generally being exhausted with my own being. And I am cutting off the connections that I have so I don't catch them up in my flames. 

  It is something I do often. A bit of a cycle repeat, as my tarot reading buddy would say. But it is one I take on right now because I do not wish to add my fire to add to the collective wildfire of the world around me. 

  I have learned to section myself off before when I have felt disconnected from others. And until I figure out how to deal with my negativity better, I will keep doing it.