I Know A Soul (Gl)

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I know a soul who wanted to swallow a mountain.


Well, I say a mountain, but she was probably thinking of a mountain of orange chicken. She seemed to like that stuff while she was hanging out with me in the Land of the Dead. Then again, maybe that was why she wasn’t allowed into Heaven by the Big Guy Upstairs. He did seem to have a problem with the ones who could consume a lake of drink and a hill of food without batting their eyes. I doubt she could bat her eyes at this point anyway. I heard she died from a stroke while she was eating, which is why she hasn’t stopped since she got here. She rolled around everywhere down here, hovering up any food she could stick her tongue out for. I can’t imagine how she must have been in her physical life. 

She once told me that she was a popular food eater in her physical life, but something made me doubt that. But the amount she could eat made me second guess my doubt. She seemed to truly gorge on anything she could find. One time, she ate my shrimp and cocktail sauce while telling me that she could eat whatever she wanted and still look slim and slender. I will admit, she looked anything but slim. You know how I mentioned she couldn’t bat her eyes? That’s because they were bulbous; bulbous enough that I don’t think her eyelids could wrap around them. She looked like she was large, like at least a coma’s worth of weight. Then again, I hear that she only weighed half as much in her physical life. Such a portly beast! I will admit, I did admire her appetite. But I don’t think I can admire much more than that. 

The last time I saw her, she was eating the rest of my spicy corn puffs and telling me how she lost almost a pound. She was so proud of it; she said it made her floral dress and black look nicer than the last time she tumbled over to me. I gave her a good look and wondered how she got such a cute burgundy floral dress and black leggings from. She said the name of a shop on the physical part of the universe, but I don’t remember what anymore. All I know is that I wanted that outfit. Probably in a better size than the one she had. I told her what Luxuria told me and that seemed to send her into a frenzy. She bumped and careened into the entire dining area down here as she snorted in all her glee. I guess she heard that all of the best foods were in Heaven and Hell. I asked her where she would probably go first, assuming she could get out of her without the assistance of the divine beings. I guess somewhere in the chaos of recent events, the divine beings that normally help those in the Land of the Dead cross into Hell or Heaven are just gone. Maybe those being left the gates of Hell open so that crossing wouldn’t be so much of a problem. She said she would just bounce over to Hell to get “some of that good spicy stuff” and probably go up to Heaven whenever the Hell food was boring her. I just rolled my eyes at that; I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else joined her in Hell just for the food. I shrugged and realized how nice it must be to just gleefully consume food without a thought to how it tasted. I guess that’s what life is for her: food and talking about food.

She’s planning on leaving soon for Hell. I can’t imagine how food in Hell tastes. I never really wanted to go there until now. Then again, Heaven doesn’t sound so bad either. But both places hold a glimmer for me. Thoughts of euphoria and enticement sound better than this strange place where I ended up. I think that’s her over there, waddling by to the gates. I hope the boats can hold her. She has gotten quite monstrous since the last time I saw her, and I swear it wasn’t that long ago. But hey, Hell seems to be the place that wants her. Lucky her

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