Seeing the Lessons: A Rant

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 The lessons came fast for me this year. 

    No longer could I get attached to people. No longer could I give my energy to everyone. No longer could I allow my moods to be affected by other people's moods. 

    These lessons are harder to swallow than most.

    Being attached to people has been a problem of mine for ages now. Ever since my younger days, I have always grown an attachment toward one particular individual to the point of obsession. I would pray to God every morning and night to give me this one small wish and I wouldn't ask for anything more. As time moved on, I realized that these individuals I was wishing for did not want me in return. Because of that revelation, I fell into relationships with people I hadn't given the time of day to, but I was happy to have their affection. I would spend months or years with someone, absorbing their affection, until I would realize that I didn't actually like this person much. Then I would break it off, only to be right back at square one. 

    To those people, I deeply apologize for the damage I have done. I know now that I damaged part of you with my presence in your life, whether or not you would be willing to admit it. I apologize for all this damage, and I hope that either you have moved on to better things or will be soon. 

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    Giving my energy away has been another problem for me all my life. It comes attached with the desire to make other people happy. I usually did it to avoid that person having a negative perception of me and also to avoid any confrontation or conflict. At the end of it all, however, I am still going to be negatively received by people. I can do nothing to really fix that. 

    To the people who will come to dislike me, I'm not really that sorry. I am only sorry that you've reached this judgement, no matter how long it took. I hope that -eventually- either you can leave me to do my chaos or you can voice your opinion and we can discuss it for our mutual amusement. Maybe we will come to a neutrality after that. Either way, I cannot be bothered giving you my energy just to try and make you like me anymore. 

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    For the longest time, I thought I was more empathetic that I actually am. I could easily pick up on other people's moods and internalize them. When I was a child, I thought that I could do this so that way other people could stop feeling that way. As I grew up, I thought I could do it so I could force people to admit their feelings or to propel them to action. Now that I'm almost 30, I've realized that neither of those things is remotely true. When I pick up on other people's moods and energy, I only carry it with me like an unnecessary travel trinket. And I don't need them. I really don't. 

    To those people who want me to continue doing this, I won't. I just won't. I can't be bothered when I have my own emotions, energy, and moods to manage. I can't be bothered to keep up with your life when I've got my own life to worry about. So no. I won't be doing that anymore. And if you want me to, then the answer is a giant NO for you. I don't want to anymore. I'm done doing that. 

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    So here I am. Learning and finalizing the lessons.

    I am not sure what the future will hold for me, but I know it will be more peaceful than it has been for a long time. 

 

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