Book Thoughts #24
It hits me as I start to write this that this is essentially a mark of doing enough of these that -had I did these in consistent month installments- this would have been at the two-year mark. Factually, I started doing this about five years ago, then took a massive gap in time to write a bunch of fictional series and to hammer out some metaphorical life thoughts. Now I'm back here, with the same collection I fought with in 2016. Let's see if this can truly relay how I feel without marking up your perspective of me too badly.
Citizen: An American Lyric
By Claudia Rankine
If memory serves me well, this was my summer Senior Seminar for my English degree. Even though I was only halfway through my Junior year of my Bachelors of Arts, I took this class. It was a class in African-American Poetry, both older and newer poets. I got some of my most interesting interactions in that class, mainly from the tension between the Hispanic-American students and everyone else in that class. It seemed that this particular part of culture struck a nerve with a lot of my peers who focused on the racial and ethnic parts of their identity and often berated others (like myself) who did not share their zeal. It culminated in a few days of discussing this particular collection, which spurred a lot of heated discussion.
This collection of prose poetry and lyrical poetry is written to spark conversations and fuel a lot of thought about how you as a reader perceive various things related to events that focus on African-Americans. That is the basic idea. There is a lot in here about racial inequality, events that happened to certain individuals that I bet you can already list in your head if you remember that time period well, and commentary about life for African-Americans in various parts of the US. There is some commentary about others outside of the US that share similar situations, but the topics are more US-oriented.
With all of that taken into consideration, I find myself at the same crossroads that I was at back in 2016 during the Senior Seminar; that while I could acknowledge the struggles for African-Americans and I could see how their perception of the US and their lives were not the best, I could not sympathize with it, nor did I feel I could empathize with it in a way that was deemed "acceptable" to those who struggle with these experiences. While I could see the logical problems with racial inequality and discrimination in its broadest strokes, I myself could not understand the emotional impact it has on the groups of people it hurts. And it makes me uncomfortable knowing that this disconnect is there.
I will admit that a lot of my disconnect stems from my own perception of how people interact with one another. Ever since I was given explanations for a lot of slights and digs made against people in racial ways (like micro-aggressions, just to name one thing I learned about), I found myself questioning why these things agitated people. I had (and still have, to some extent) trouble assuming ill intent from what I perceive as random interactions between folks. Is there ill intent in some actions? Sure. Do I perceive them as that initially? No. Not at all. I almost have to be explicitly told that someone meant to be an asshole to really grasp it. And even then I question whether or not the intent was truly bad or if it was just faulty perception. Does that make me gullible? I will admit, sometimes it does. But I have learned over the years to trust my gut more when I feel someone is trying to get a certain reaction out of me or if someone is just acting without fully thinking. There is a big difference in that.
Can I still appreciate this book? Absolutely! If anything, this book was a starting point to help me understand why some people of various racial and ethnic groups feel attacked by others. After reading this led me to read on micro-aggressions, certain phrases and actions that are perceived as racially charged, and especially about how our actions and words can come from older actions and words that were meant to hurt others when they were first done or said. And this book reminds me that my perception of the world is not the only one, and that there are many people out there that can have a harder time in life than I do just because of their identity. And I appreciate that Rankine gave me a starting point to really read and think about these things! But this disconnect remains. I still find myself saying, "It's all about their perception." or "Do they have to make it sound like that? What if it isn't like that?" more often than I care to admit. And that to some people is insensitive. To others, these are valid thoughts that can spur conversations for ages. And even while writing this, I am uncomfortable with the fact that I still have this disconnect. But I found a quote within one of the poems that really hit home for me. It brought words to a thought that I've had in the back of my mind for some time, but never really had the right words for it. And I find it aligns a lot with my particular perception of what is going on around me, both locally and nationally.
What happens to you doesn't belong to you, only half concerns you.
- From Claire Dune's film Beau Travail
While Rankine draws a different idea from this statement, I find myself staring at the exact thought I've had for years of my life. Does it sound dismissive? Sure, from a certain perspective.
To me, this is a critical part of my perception of life right now, especially concerning how I deal with things in my past. As much as my family and friends -online or in person- could tell you about the stories I tell about my life, those stories really don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the past. And they only half concern me now, considering they are experiences I like to retell merely for their storytelling ability. And -in case you haven't noticed- I like telling stories. A lot. More often than not.
At the end of it all, this book inspired me to dig into some things. But does it shape me like many people, especially with how groups interact with each other when sharing these experiences? No. And I believe I was given this disconnect for a reason, both a more practical one and a more spiritual one. I hope to explore that more in my life as I read more and have more experiences of my own that can further give me some perspective.
Hopefully, this can apply to you as well. With the most positive intent I can muster through typing, I hope that your life is filled with the experiences you need to shape yourself into the person you need to be. I hope that what you choose to shape you is beneficial and gives you a life of true understanding and acknowledgement of this temporary space and time we are living in.