What Chaos Did I Just Put Myself Into? [Old Blog Repost]
1 January 2018
I remember -initially- feeling a little overwhelmed by the prospect of 2018. Maybe it was the weariness 2017 left with me. Maybe it was what I did before my folks and I welcomed in the new year with noisemakers and peach champagne. All I remember is returning to my computer and feeling a sense that something was gone -or maybe coming- and I was not prepared for it.
This feeling mellows as I pull out all my crafting stuff for my new bullet journal: cardstock for decoration, enough washi tape to start off, some stickers with the first six months of the year in a mix of print and cursive writing, and a dotted journal with a few stickers lovingly stuck all over it. As I work and watch a gaming livestream, I feel better about this new year. Then I realize my usual work alarm is going off at 4:30 am. Then the one at 4:45 am. I turn them both off without thinking, then finally look up at the computer to see it was 5:00 am. A mistake to stay up until near dawn, but I feel I needed to in the moment.
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I have no idea where the rest of this day or the rest of the week is going. Or the month or year, for that matter. I just know that whatever I was holding onto needs to be let go.
I held onto a lot of inner drama and turmoil last year, and boy did it eat me up. My friends were concerned, and my family tried their best to help me out of my odd funks. There was a lot I needed to learn, and the people in my life helped me through learning them, as painful as some of them were.
But now is not the time for remembering the past. Now is the time to just let go of the old chaos and embrace this new life I want. I hope to have some writing officially ready for publishing. I hope to be a little healthier in my personal life. I hope to be able to make enough money to survive the new chaos I have been thrown into as I climb further up the adult ladder. But hey, at least I have a place to start from.
On one last look back at the past, I'm surprised I have made it this far. I mean, past me is probably upset that I'm not on a worldwide book tour, signing copies of my work for fans as I go to different readings and Q&A sessions, or that I'm not living where I want to live, with my own little garden and learning how to be cool with nature by gardening and living as close to green as I can. But in the end, my past self was impatient and quick to think about itself. I can now look back and tell my past self to remember how much of a late bloomer I always was, and how the cool stuff it wants to do will take time to manifest. I may not be world famous, but maybe I'll make a country-wide circuit of a book release. Or maybe I won't live exactly where I want, but I'll still do my best to take of the place I want to live. And that's okay.
Looking forward, I'm excited. I feel like -for once- I can face the chaos with some sort of an idea of what I want to do, and what I'm willing to do to get what I want. Of course, I will have many to help me, both seen and unseen. And I will have two guides: Elyon, whom most know as God or "the big guy upstairs," and Ivri, who will be my guide to point me back to Elyon when the world pulls me a bit too far in one direction.
Hopefully, I'm not the only one on the path to embrace the 2018. If you are one of those joining me, may 2018 give you its blessings and its lessons, and may your guide or guides aid in your future within this chaotic world.
To 2018 and its chaos.
Elyon's Love and Strength,
Animus
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"Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" -2 Corinthians 5:17, New Living Translation