Three Things to Keep in Mind: Damaged Relations [Part 1 / Old Blog Repost]
This is part one of a three-part opinion piece focused on damaged relations. This advice can be taken to mean any sort of relations: family, friends, lovers, acquaintances, online or offline.
Take these with a grain of salt. Not all of my advice will be applicable, and that's okay. These pieces will be my way of noting some observations I've made and -maybe- some experiences I've been through.
Part One:
The Offended Party
So, it is obvious we have all been in a position where someone has done something we didn't like or even hated. No matter what the context or situation, it happens. It's part of this great thing called "dealing with other people who aren't you."
With this in mind, I have three things for you to consider if you are in this position:
One: Forgive and Forget
Sure, you've probably heard this one before. Heck, you probably have done this many time, or -at least- think you have. If you were to really stop and do what this is, I would be surprised if you still held the same grudges against people, or if you ever had anything negative to say about anyone.
From personal experience, to truly forgive and forget takes a lot of energy and time, not to mention conscious enforcement. When you are offended, it seems like the best emotion to express is vengeance. Vengeance is an oddly powerful weapon, and -when used- only makes the damage worse than it was before. It only takes a second to implement, but it takes ages to undo its savagery.
If you truly want the world to be a better place, and you want to actively help in the process of making the world a better place, there is only one solution: Forgive the offender for any wrongdoing (no matter how great or small it was) and to forget the emotional and psychological responses to that wrongdoing.
It is noteworthy to reiterate part of that last sentence: Forget the emotional and psychological (aka mental) responses to that wrongdoing. While you may not be able to physically forget the wrongdoing, you can still use that moment to teach you a lesson and distance yourself from the emotional and mental trauma that it caused or is causing you.
Two: Remember, They're Human Too
No matter the action, an offended person may be inclined to neglect a simple truth about the person who offended them: they are human.
Being human is a lot of things, including being offensive either purposefully or accidentally. It helps to remember that everyone messes up and causes things to happen. If you step outside of your initial reaction, you can see that -just like you- everyone messes up and has moments where they should or should not have done something. With this in mind, if you were to be offensive to someone, don't you think it would be painful to have them react violently to what you did and to just start yelling at you? If your answer is "yes," then remember to keep yourself calm and collected when something offensive comes up. To handle it any other way would just make things worse.
Three: Be the Change You Want to See
So, this point is a little more personal to me and the stuff I've been through.
Too often, someone gets offended by something that happens, but then they go and do that same thing to someone else. Now, granted, context is everything, but that shouldn't be an excuse to do the same offensive thing that you were offended by.
If you don't want people to do that to you, maybe don't do it to other people. [insert other variations of the Golden Rule here] It really shouldn't be that hard, but -for some odd reason- it's a level of hypocrisy that really drives me crazy to watch. It seems like every person that does it is basically saying, "I can't stand it, but I'll do it to other people." To me, it seems like a deflection of emotions or initial reactions. It's doing it to keep from admitting hurt or frustration, or from just letting it slide off your back and being apathetic to all of it.
Rant in TLDR form: If you don't want people offending you, don't turn around and offend other people, no matter how hurt you are. It's not cool.
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Thank you for reading this. A later date will feature part two of this opinion, geared specifically toward the offenders.
Elyon's Love and Strength,
Animus