Feelings That I Feel

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 Concern

    I am rather concerned with my progress or lack there of on any of the commitments I have made since the beginning of the month, let alone the beginning of the year. I have this nasty little habit of starting something, then either sticking it out to a bitter end or falling off the proverbial path toward progress. I'm surprised I have held on to some things for as long as I have. 

Anger

    I am truly angry with myself for my lack of progress. I don't like that I stutter with some of the commitments I make. What is my problem? What do I need to do to push myself beyond my motivation ceiling so I can get my stuff done? What sacrifice must I make to appease whatever forces are holding me back from this potential I want to live out?

Shame

    What must I give up? I know it has to be something. After all, what I am rewarded with should be equal or more than what I sacrifice. Am I sacrificing enough? I feel like I'm not. As much as I don't always have the energy to give to my writing and to streaming said writing, I feel like I need to give more. 

Hope

    I am slowly getting to a place where most of my story just falls in line between the two drafts I have of it. If only I can hold on for a little longer, then I can get the second draft done and focus on editing it so I can begin my journey into the publishing world. Who knows? Maybe it will get published by next year if I manage to get through right away. 

Fear

    But what if all of this is just nonsense? Like that song we heard, "You got the skills of an idiot who got too much praise." What if I am just the idiot who got too much praise? What if all of the hype and the praise I have gotten in my life is only because they don't actually know how bad my writing is and... 

Despair

    ... what if the life I want to live as a writer is never going to happen? What if it is all for nothing? What if no one actually likes my work, but they just say they do to make me feel better? What if... What if...


    I don't know. 

    There are a lot of things on this path I have chosen for myself. I am scared and disheartened that what I have my heart set on eventually turns against me. 

    Does that mean I will stop? No. In some small way, my writing will live on, even if I abandon it in the public eye. I still have journals of stories for me, still have thoughts to pour out and try to cope with. 

    I'm sorry if this isn't want you expected today. And I'm sorry if you are bothered by this kind of work. I just needed to get this off of my chest and into a more public sphere of my life. Consider this a call out into the abyss, just to see if anything comes back. 

    I am trying my hardest to complete work and build a base of people who like me and like my work. That's all I could ask for. The money would just be a bonus to the ability to reach out and make others happy through my writing, my streaming, my online life in general. 

    That's all I want.

    To make something that people enjoy.

    Why does it feel impossible to do?

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 26, 2022 at 3:28 AM

    Ani, believe me. Most of the things you sacrifice for, will not return something equal to or more. Being a writer takes time and failure for after all, failure is our greatest teacher. Now by all means, you are one heck of a writer but writing takes time as im sure you know so learn to take it easy and enjoy the ride. -Firemonkey

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