It is late.

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 "You realize how lucky you are to have something when you are in a situation when it 's so hard to say goodbye." 

    -Simple MMO (mobile game)

~

    I don't want to say goodbye.

    So maybe I don't have to. Maybe I can simply spill all of my emotions into something tangible. Something to give all of my fervor a place to rest. Something I can send out into the world and hope you will receive it. 

    Forgive my rambling. It is late, and I am exhausted, and all I can think about is how much you annoy me. And worry me. And make me want to speak to you, even with how late it is. 

    But I don't dare. I have decorum. I know that you are probably asleep, dreaming of the things you focus on in your little snowy bubble. I will not disrupt that bubble. I know how hard you have worked to enforce that bubble to give you a sanctuary from the turbulence of the world beyond. I just wish I could poke my head in and feel like my being is not an intrusion. 

    I wish I could be a warm spot for you, but part of me wonders how much pain I cause you. 

    I have caused a lot of pain recently to others. I wish I didn't, but the damage has been done. I wish I could take all of the pain I have caused to others and just put it on myself. I wish I could let everyone walk away without the marks and the scars of the pain I have caused. But I can't. I just can't. 

    I have to let go. It's hard to say goodbye to this feeling I have. The feeling of wanting to take on pain I have caused. 

    It's late at night. I know this.  But perhaps that quote can soothe my mind tonight. 

    I am lucky to have people in my life, even if I have caused them pain. I am lucky to keep some of these people in my life, no matter how much pain I inflict. I am lucky to be alive to begin with, despite my tendency to degrade my existence to nothing more than an unfortunate coincidence that cannot be altered. 

    It is late. I need to let this go. But it is hard to let it go. 

    Maybe I can look at this later on with a bit of hope. That I have made it through this feeling. I really hope I can. 

    I really do.

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