Learning

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    I stare at my blank screen, wondering what to work on first. Everything kind of fell apart after my little spastic incident last week. Now I am sitting among the wreckage, which mostly contains unfinished projects. 

    "No one is holding you to a deadline but you. You know that, right?" My privateer queen Gen comments as I zone out of reality a bit. 

    "I know." I put my hands up to support my slumping head. "I just don't know how to accept that my personal life doesn't have a deadline."

    "It could, but I don't think it is necessary." Gen sits on the keyboard piano bench nearby. "After all, it is about the journey more than the destination. As great as that destination is." She picks up a blue suede journal. "You could always write down your destination fantasies."

    "I intend to. Just... after I finish some of this other stuff." I pull up the Minecraft launcher and my novel, but I only end up staring at them both.

    "It sounds like you need a plan. What happened to the one that you made at the new moon?" 

    "Didn't complete it."

    "Cause of the incident?"

    I grumble and let my head fall to the desk gently. "Because of the incident."

    I hear Gen chuckle. "You know, for someone who likes to tell people not to take things personally, you sure take a lot of things personally." I flop my head to glare at her, which just makes the chuckle turn into a laugh. "No need to give me that look. You're still learning. It's not something you can just learn and retain forever." She flips through my notebooks on the table beyond my keyboard. "I mean, that goes for just about everything, honestly. Healing, re-learning, training... all of that is learned and must be retained through practice. Or else you might as well just not learn." I flop my head back up to my computer screen. "Give yourself a break! Despite your roles in not only my life, but a lot of other lives, you are still mortal and still human."

    "But I should be more than human." I sigh, "I feel like I need to be more. So much more. And yet... I'm not."

    "The fact you want to be more than human is exactly the thing humans say all the time." Gen gets up and pats my head. "You can be more than human, but you need to accept your humanity first."

    I huff in disappointment. "Accept my humanity, huh? That seems a bit too logical."

    "It is logical. But it is also not at the same time." Gen ruffles my hair. "You'll get it eventually. Maybe you should talk to some of the Guardians for a little while. After all, they are there for a reason." I hear her walk off into my room to help clean up my mess from my last shopping trip. I stare at the screen for a little longer before picking up my pen and notebook to figure out what I'm going to do this week.


~

    Just a quick update: I am doing a bit better, but things are still iffy for me. Obviously, I'm still having a hard time judging whether or not my interactions online are actually meaningful or impactful. I am swinging more toward the "yes, they are" camp, but it's still iffy because of how I feel about online life in general still. 

    Hopefully, before May, I will have come out of my little funk and actually start being around online again. Who knows.

    In the meantime, I hope you have a wonderful spring and get to enjoy the world around us coming back to life with new growth and new potential. 

Love and Strength,

Animus

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