What Has Been Going On

     Well, now I am caught up on the blog posts. At least, the ones I am willing to type out right now. I might restore a few more later on (see the blog post for 19 May 2024 for more about that). 

    Now I feel like I can share what has been going on the last two months. Please give me the grace to really ramble here, as a lot of this is still going on in real time and I am processing a lot right now. 

    Here it is: I have experienced a death of someone close to me. It was someone who I was seeing for the last two months and had become attached to as a girlfriend. He was a really sweet dude who tried his damnedest to make sure I was loved, appreciated, and given the time to adjust to having a new relationship in ... 2 or 3 years? Something like that. He died in a car accident in Denver on 9 May. I found out about it through his dad mostly, but later found articles related to it where I saw pictures and read more news about it. It was not pleasant to read about, obviously. Even less pleasant to go through. His celebration of life was earlier this month (June 2024, for all of my future readers) and my mom went with me. 

    You know how you find yourself at the crossroads of diving into a connection with someone where you can see both the potential and lack thereof? Like, you are balancing on the edge of wanting to stay and make things work, or just leaving and never having another relationship again? Well, I was doing that. We had a little hiccup in our relationship in late March that ... well, I would say I would never talk about, but I don't even think it matters to the world at large anymore. Needless to say, that this death is the biggest thing. And it has really fucked with me. 

    At this point, I would like to make a more public apology to everyone who I've told about this back when it happened and when I still bring it up occasionally. As much as I appreciate your support in all of this and the sympathy/condolences you have shared over the last two months, I am sorry to have been such a mess. Especially this goes to Uncle Bronze and his community. I truly appreciate all of you. At the same time, I feel like I have taken up too much space with this and have stolen a lot of energy from all of you. I am working on clearing that and giving back what I can on a spiritual level as a thank you for all you guys have given me. 

    With this in mind, the last couple of months have been rougher for me than I will admit in the online space on a casual level. There have been times where I had meltdowns and cried myself to sleep at night, wondering if I will ever get to experience this kind of relationship ever again. I have had a rather odd romantic life, most of it with men that I find myself falling away from after a year or two. It bothers me immensely, and I have done everything in my power not to bother those who have been in a relationship with me or those I have admired (and -honestly- obsessed over) in the past or present. I truly am not sure what to do with myself at this point, other than to write and try to work on my physical appearance and routine to feel better. 

    There is still an ache I feel that I've mentioned before, but it is an old wound I'm willing to share now. I don't feel like I deserve anything in this world. And I don't mean that in the usual sense that old people say to younger ones when the younger ones complain about not having something or not getting what they want. It is something I have struggled with... I don't feel I deserve to take up space, to be myself, or to have the life I want. And while I know that isn't true, and I am working on re-working that part of my brain/soul to set myself free, it is something I contend with on a daily basis. 

    If I was truly honest, this blog is a small cry for attention and a small space I set up for myself to write. I would love for more people to see it, and to find solace or humor in what I write, but I don't always feel I deserve to take up any more space than this and I don't deserve the attention or support I get when something like this comes in my life. 

    I know why I feel like this, and it stems for a perception of my childhood and teenage life that is not the full truth. As someone who likes to have the truth, I don't seem to have a grasp on why my brain picked the path it did growing up. I am much harder on myself than I let on, and whenever I am around people who try to get me into the spotlight or support me in small ways, I often feel I am now somehow not worthy of it. I think that's called Imposter's Syndrome, but to me it feels so much deeper than how I've heard it explained. 

    With all this in mind, thank you for all of the support and the small bits of attention I've had from y'all in the last couple of months. I will probably link this in a few places so that way those who care about me and wonder what has been going on can see. Please feel free to reach out if you feel the need to, no matter what you feel you need to say. I'm willing to accept the support and endure the dissent that may come my way. 

    The next few weeks I should be back to posting normally. I may not post about them right away online, considering the next two Sundays (30 June and 7 July) will be a bit busy for me. I hope you all have a wonderful week and day! 

Love and Strength,

Animus