Three Things to Keep in Mind: Damaged Relations [Part 2 / Old Blog Repost]
Take these with a grain of salt. Not all of my advice will be applicable, and that's okay. These pieces will be my way of noting some observations I've made and -maybe- some experiences I've been through.
Part Two:
The Offending Party
We have all been offensive to someone, whether we wanted to be or not. It's a thing that happens, so we need to take appropriate measures to keep from having this happen over and over again.
With this in mind, I have three things for you to consider:
One: Back Away for a While
If you offend someone, the last thing you want to do is either continue offending them or be in the vicinity of their reactions. Whether you are told you offended someone, or you know you have, back off from them. If you are in a physical space when you offend someone, apologize quickly and move away to do something else. If you are online and do something, apologize and leave the space. Go to another place where you know you will be okay to give you distance. Once you apologize and back off, think about how that might offend someone, and make a note not to cross that line again.
Two: Show Your Humanity
Once you've given the situation time to settle, return and show some humility and humanity. You were in the wrong -according to that person- and they probably don't want to see you come back with fingers (or voice) blazing to keep going on about the thing that offended them. When you do come back, don't mention what offended them. Don't get involved in the conversations, and don't put yourself in the position where you are the focus of attention about it. If you do get called out for it, apologize again and let them know that you are going to do your best to keep from making the mistake again. If they don't want to forgive and forget, just leave. You have already apologized and made your intentions clear. If they don't want to forgive you, that's now on them. You can move on and leave them to their own misery. If you need to, move away from them again.
It's important to note here that if needed, let them know you will speak to them privately or in person about the offense. If they continue to spew hatred at you in public, whether online or offline, then make it clear to them that you are not going to discuss this offense in public anymore, and that you do not want to make matters worse. If they still insist upon taking out their aggression on you publicly, just leave them alone. Block them, don't talk to them, or get some sort of professional involved to settle the matter permanently. Don't get another friend involved so they don't become a third party or middleman involved. Get someone who is a professional (police officers, therapists, and those people who are not connected to either of you in any way) who will listen and give advice on how to move on.
Once you can talk to the offended person or people civily, then show your concern and your sympathy for them. Either let them know you're sorry for what you've done or that you want to understand why it offended them, then ask how you can make things right with them. Truly listen to them and understand what needs to be done to make things better.
Three: Things Take Time
When I have offended people, I do my best to do the first two things rather quickly. I make sure everything is all good and I know what to do to make things good again with people. After that, there is not much I can do but work on improving our relation. This part, however, can take a lot of time.
As much as you or I would like to snap our fingers and make things instantly better, that's not how things work. Repairing a relation may take a little while, but sometimes it takes a long time. Days, weeks, months, years, or sometimes longer. In that time, do your best to make sure you don't offend them again, or bring up the situation again to start drama. Actively work to make sure both of you are comfortable around each other.
If -for some reason- it seems that the person or people you offended will never truly repair their relation to you, then it will be best to walk away and leave them alone for good. As much as you would want everyone you offended to be friendly with you again, some people do not have it in themselves to truly forgive, forget, and repair a relation. They will hold the offense over you or do things to keep you from forgetting about the offense. While it is hard to deal with and a little disheartening, it can be a reminder that some people in this world are not worth associating with in this part of your life. If they cannot find it within themselves to make things right with you, then let them mire in their misery. The closer they were to you, the harder it will be, but it is important not to hold negatively impactful people close to you. That will only hurt both of you more in the long run.
Thank you for reading this second piece. Wednesday (18 April) will conclude this three-part opinion piece with a piece dedicated to the third party/middlemen that can be involved in these situations.
Elyon's Love and Strength,
Animus